


I Don’t Love You. I Always Will.

by Finn4



Category: Daisy Jones & The Six - Taylor Jenkins Reid
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:22:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25416865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finn4/pseuds/Finn4
Summary: Billy Dunne and Daisy Jones have always just sung the things they can’t say. But that day in Teddy’s pool house, they crossed a line they couldn’t uncross. Said the things they shouldn’t have said.A deeper look into details left out of this pivotal moment in the relationship between the two lead singers of Daisy Jones And The Six.
Relationships: Billy Dunne/Camila Dunne, Billy Dunne/Daisy Jones
Comments: 7
Kudos: 10





	I Don’t Love You. I Always Will.

**Author's Note:**

> Excerpts from interviews, diary entries and dramatic recountings of the events (or supposed events) surrounding the writing of the now infamous song, Regret Me, by Daisy Jones.

**DAISY:**

“I like a lot about you.”

I can still hear his voice in my ear. The way the words came out of him as if they actually hurt. Like they were on fire. And in a way I think they were. 

WE were on fire.

My fingers were on his. I could feel him thinking about moving them on the keys, trying to pretend like nothing was happening. But it was electric and I could see it in his eyes that that heat was traveling through him, too.

_Daisy was right. Billy felt the heat from Daisy’s fingers pulsing down into his own. The drugs, he thought. She’s always hot. But this was...different. He felt his fingertips lift of the keys until his skin had just barely stopped touching them, but Daisy’s fingers gently pressed them back down. Until they collided with several strips of ivory and made a clanging dissonance that echoed what they both felt inside. Something that could have sounded beautiful, but it wasn’t quite right. Daisy leaned in to him, and he didn’t move away. There wasn’t enough space on the piano bench to move even if he wanted to._

_And he didn’t want to._

**BILLY:**

It was impossible. To sit that close to her. To write these songs with her. I may be an asshole but I am not an idiot. All we did was sing the things we couldn’t say. The things I wanted to say so badly. The things that I kept promising myself I didn’t feel. But I did feel them. And they were tearing us both apart right in front of me...and I couldn’t fight them. In that moment.

I could not fight them.

_Daisy’s lips, hot and full, pressed into Billy’s. And for a moment he was frozen under them. Maybe it was just the sheer release of months of excruciating anticipation. But slowly his hand rose from the bench and found it’s way up her side and into her long auburn hair. His fingers pushed through it until they touched her skull. His fingers grazed her and held her as he moved his mouth back against her own._

**DAISY:**

Feeling Billy Dunne’s mouth on mine was the single most bittersweet moment of my life. And the list is long. But it was the culmination of so many things. And in that moment I knew that the hate and rage he could stir in me was just a defense. I couldn’t have him. But I couldn’t not love him. I’ve lived a lot of years trying and I still haven’t figured out how to not love Billy Dunne.

I laced my fingers into his as they kept tinkling against the keys softly. Like the piano, the light glassy tones, were somehow playing just for us. Like a painfully uneasy soundtrack. It was haunting. His hands. His hands were haunting. The way they could move so slowly, so gently...but be so hard and strong. Like Billy. I remember thinking that when I would watch him play guitar. His fingers moved so effortlessly. They were hypnotizing to watch. But not as hypnotizing as they were to feel.

_Billy turned his hand and wrapped it into Daisy’s much smaller one. She held it tightly for a moment before pulling it gently from his. His hand moved to the other side of her face, matching the one that was embedded in her hair. He pulled her to him. And she did the same. Her fingers wistfully tugging on the tiny strands of curls that played just behind his ears. Their lips started to move more hurriedly against each other, passionately and full of the urgency that two people who know they have one small open window would have._

**BILLY:**

At some point that voice in my head that was telling me not to throw everything away...that voice disappeared. I don’t know. I tell myself it wasn’t just because I was so physically desperate to fuck her that I didn’t care. Because it wasn’t that. It wasn’t just feeling like this beautiful woman I’d been as close to as anyone I’d ever known was sitting there, wanting me back. I mean...I knew she did. And she knew I did. And the reality of it was that if either one of us was just looking to get off there would have been a lot more less complicated options. Suddenly that voice was saying, ‘you’ve been holed up in this pool house with this beautiful creature that you can’t get out of your mind for weeks now and you’ve fought hard. Stop fighting.’ I think a part of me even tried to tell myself that Camila would understand...that she loved me enough, or the music enough, to understand.

I know now that’s not exactly how this works.

_Billy dug his bare feet into the plush carpet in the floor and pushed the bench back from the piano. He created space enough for Daisy’s too-small frame. Her hands were tangling into his hair as she kissed him deeply. He took his hands to her waist, and gently lifted her into the piano...a giant cluster of sound coming from under her as he moaned sweetly into her mouth. His hands clawed at the thin fabric on her hips, slowly starting to bunch her dress into her waist._

**DAISY:**

When Billy lifted me onto that piano I knew we had crossed a line we couldn’t uncross, so at that point, why even think about stopping? I was naked under that shift dress and my bare ass was on the piano keys. I don’t know that there is anything more rock and roll than that. Not a fucking thing.

I opened my eyes and watched him as he kissed me. I needed to. And I could see the torture of it in his face. That internal struggle that I couldn’t really understand. And you know what the most screwed up thing is? It only made me want him more. It made him...sexier. I wanted to take that away. And in that moment I thought that’s what I could do. What I was doing. He was lifting at my dress until it was up over my belly button.I took my hands out of his hair. Dug them into my skinny straps, you know those ones that you wonder how they even hold a dress on anyway? I pulled it down until it all hung on my waist like a belt. Held up by those hands. Those damn hands. I wondered if he was even aware of the fact that I was naked in front of him.

_Gradually Billy’s eyes opened and he let them fall over her frame._

** BILLY: **

You ever look at something that’s so beautiful you just can’t take your eyes off it? Maybe worse than that...something you’ve always thought would be beautiful but you still weren’t prepared for it? That was what it was like to see Daisy like that. Her hands stretched out on a piano. And in this black dress that all but disappeared into it. Her breasts just heaving...right there, maybe if I’d have just stopped at that moment I’d be able to lookback on it and still just feel like it was beautiful. And not something that rips my heart open every time I think about it.

_ Daisy let her thighs drop open and Billy stood between them. She reached down and undid the buckle on his jeans. She made short work of his zipper, too, pushing the fly of his denim jeans wide over his hips. She let her fingers run under his t-shirt and over the tight skin of his abdomen.  _

** DAISY: **

I could almost feel the knots in his stomach. I knew. I knew he hadn’t decided yet.

** BILLY: **

There are times in your life when you just...you know you’re not doing what’s right. But if I’m being honest. And I know it’s...it’s too honest....that wasn’t one of those times. I knew I loved her. And we were doing what people in love do. We had been fooling ourselves. And it felt so good to just. Be honest. Be too honest.

** DAISY: **

I told him I needed him. I told him...I loved him. I told him I was sorry, but I loved him. 

** BILLY: **

I told her not to be sorry.

And that I’d loved her since Honeycomb. I shouldn’t have said that. True or not.

_ Billy freed himself from his jeans and leaned himself over the piano. Daisy took him into her hand and sighed a hot breath into his face. Almost like she knew she would have to be the one to do it. He pushed his head into her neck and inhaled deeply.  _

_ Daisy spread her legs wide, the piano lilting through the air around them clumsily as she guided him into her center.Billy groaned so loud into her neck that it was more of a wail. And she met it.Calling his name as he gently picked up his pace inside of her. He reached under her to lift her gently. He took her ass in his hands and held her tightly against him as he thrust against her rhythmically. _

** DAISY: **

It’s no secret. I’d been with more men than I really care to recount. And the hardest thing about being with Billy Dunne is that it was entirely different. I wanted it to be the same. I needed it to be the same. Sure would have made it easier. But it was the only time in my life I felt what I felt that day. We didn’t just have sex. Like we didn’t just write music. We made magic. We did things no one else could do. That’s what making love with Billy felt like. Magic.Like being on dope without the ugly parts.

But I knew there would be ugly parts.

** BILLY: **

The hardest part about being with Daisy like that was...it didn’t prove to me I didn’t love her. Or that I could get by on not needing her. That went from being hard...to being impossible.

_ Billy balanced their weight on the piano behind Daisy until he broke down and lifted her off of it, crashing against her in a way that might had proved uncomfortable if they weren’t both so lost in each other. _

_ She let herself fall from his grip slightly and laid back against the top of the baby grand piano, glazing itwith the sweat that was pooling on her back. He was lost in watching her writhe against it as he licked his fingers and snuck them between her legs to gently strum her clit like it was a guitar string. Deftly plucking and pulling until he brought her to the edge. He lifted her up off the piano until she hung there, suspended between his body and the cool slick black top of Teddy’s baby grand. She moaned so gutturally her voice broke.  _

** BILLY: **

Seeing her like that. How fucking beautiful she was. How connected we were. You don’t forget something like that. I wondered if I’d ever be able to play a piano again.

** DAISY: **

I started begging him. “Please, Billy...” I said it over and over. I’m sure at the time he thought I meant all the normal things: please don’t stop, please make me come, you know...the things you beg for when the man you love is fucking you so hard into a piano you can’t see straight. But the man I loved loved someone else. And I don’t just mean Camila. I mean Julia. The twins. His family and his life. I knew he wouldn’t leave. I think a part of me would have hated him if he did. But in that moment I was begging him to....God...I was begging him to choose me. Maybe. I think I was begging him to make it stop hurting. To make me not love him the way I did. 

** BILLY:  **

She started shaking so violently under me I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t something else coursing through her veins. I think maybe in a way I hoped it was. But I had been around her enough to know when she was on dope, or strung out. This was not that Daisy. This was a young girl as lost in this world I was and somehow we had found each other. That couldn’t have been an accident. Right? That doesn’t just happen. God...maybe it does. 

She started just saying ‘please, please, please’ over and over. I wanted to give her what she needed. For that moment in time she could have asked for the moon and I would have figured it the fuck out. I thank God every day that she didn’t ask me to leave them for her, because...well...in that one moment? That single moment? I might have. I could have. I wanted to give her what she needed so badly. I wanted to be for her all of the things that Camila was for me. For a few minutes I fooled myself into thinking I could. And I was. 

_ Billy collapsed onto Daisy’s twitching body and she threw her arms around his back, kneading the skin of his shoulders. She felt her body ache and release all at once. Shivering and shuddering as she called out for him. He kept moving his hand between their bodies and gliding in and out of her increasingly hot body as she came fiercely and poetically, rocking beneath him until she managed to draw it from him, too.  _

_Billy withdrew from her and carefully, as carefully as he would manage in the haze of their lovemaking, managed to come on her stomach, pinning himself against her and releasing all over her. Covering the both of them with an orgasm so intense it was like it had been building for a year. Because it had. He growled against her and held her so tight she couldn’t move if she wanted to. Especially once he fell on her to come. He pushed his head into her hair and inhaled. She shut her eyes and clung to him._

**DAISY:**

It was insulting, you know? I mean as soon as it happened I knew what he was telling me. ‘That was hot, Daisy. But you’re the fun aunt. Camila? That’s the kind of woman Billy Dunne comes inside.’ I don’t know if it was his damage or mine. But it hurt. To be in that moment with him and be reminded of where I stood. Sure we had pushed the boundary line. But it was still there. And fucking Billy Dunne got to decide when it moved...and how far.

**BILLY:**

Was it a mistake? I won’t say it’s a mistake. Even if it was, it’s part of who we are now. Who we became. But I knew I couldn’t let it become something I couldn’t undo. Something that would ruin us both more than we already were. Something I couldn’t explain away to Camila or someday my girls.I know now it was too late for those thoughts. 

I remember thinking I needed a drink. I needed a drink so badly. If only so I’d have something to blame this on. And I wasn’t just feeling like I had hurt Camila. I’d hurt Daisy, too. I knew it. And there was no undoing it. 

The fact was. I mean. The fact is: I didn’t deserve either one of them.

_Billy pulled himself off of Daisy and fixed his shirt before fastening his pants and running his hands through his hair. His hands smelled like Daisy. Daisy fought to open her eyes and pulled the fabric from her slip dress up over her breasts, sitting up on the piano and shimmying until it covered her hips and thighs as well._

**DAISY:**

He wouldn’t even look at me. I remember thinking...fuck you, Billy Dunne. You can’t even look at me. He was tracing his fingers over the piano keys softly. Sadly. 

**BILLY:**

I asked her if she wanted to finish working out the song. We had always sung the things we couldn’t say. And if there had ever been a moment where I didn’t know what to say, that was it. I couldn’t look at her. I knew it would break my fucking heart.

**DAISY:**

“Look at me.” I said to him. If for no other reason than I wanted it to hurt him. I needed him to hurt like I did. My whole body ached. He was rejecting me. I don’t think two minutes had even passed. And he was done.

**BILLY:**

She asked me to look at her. Begged me to. I just told her I couldn’t. How fucking low is that? I couldn’t make myself look at her.

_Daisy slid off the piano. Crashing onto it’s keyboard with a loud and tumultuous thud that rang out against the glass walls of the pool house.She was fighting back tears she grabbed her sweater coat, hoping against hope that there were pills inside of it. Something that would make it go away. She threw it over her arm and grabbed her purse._

_Billy asked her to wait._

**BILLY:**

I didn’t want her to stay but I didn’t want her to leave. How do you tell someone that? How do you tell someone that you love them but they were too late? That you fall asleep at night with your wife. Your wife whom you love like fucking mad. But you still think...why didn’t you just find me sooner. That’s what it was. I couldn’t tell you who I loved more. I can just tell you who I loved first. I knew. I knew I blew it. I should have just....looked at her. 

**DAISY:**

I told him to fuck off. I’m pretty sure I told him to make sure and shower when he got home so Camila wouldn’t smell me on him. I ran to my car. By the time I got to it I was crying so hard I had no business driving. But I didn’t sit and debate it. I just drove. 

I drove and drove and drove. The 405 moved as fast as I needed it to. I wept. I smelled him. He was still all over me. 

I finally pulled over. That’s when I wrote Regret Me.It came out of me in one long sentence. Like an exhale.

I wrote it for him. About him. About how much I hated him in that moment. But when I hear it now? When I sang it later on, watching him as I did? I realized I hated myself even more. I hated what we had become. I don’t regret that day. I really don’t. I regret that....I guess....I regret that it didn’t happen soon enough. 

‘And baby when you think of me I hope it ruins rock and roll.’

**BILLY:**

‘And baby when you think of me I hope it ruins rock and roll.’

I hated what I did to Daisy. To Camila. The girls. Myself. And that day? Probably did ruin rock and roll for both of us. I guess I just still don’t know if it was us loving each other or hating each other that was the final blow.

I’ve spent every day since convincing myself I deserved either one of them...and sure that somehow deep down....Daisy and I...we did. Deserve each other.

We sure fucking did.


End file.
